A Little Humor is a Good Thing

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!  Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The wife says the handle is the best part.

Let’s switch gears a little I have added in some jokes by famous comedians and some from the borscht belt along with others.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. 
I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal”, “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. 
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Here is a famous old-time comedian’s favorite joke. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean this is a skinny girl. You never saw anybody so thin. She turned sideways you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant and the maître ‘d said to me, ‘Check your umbrella?’”

I just got back from a pleasure trip, I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
What are the three words a woman never wants to hear when she is making love? Honey I’m home.
She was at the beauty parlor for over two hours and that was only for an estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days but then the mud pack fell off.
A man called his mother in Florida
"Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

The teacher asked one of the children how much is a gram? The kid answered it depends on what type of drug you need.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the empire state building? Yes, the empire state building can’t jump.
What has more lives than a cat? A frog because he croaks every night.
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Boy complains to his father and says you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks and said it would impress the girls but you forgot to tell me one thing. The father asks what was that. The boy says that the potato should go in the front.

 A man goes into the confessional at church and says, "Forgive me, father. I have sinned." The priest recognizes the man's voice. It is Charlie Smith, one of the most loyal, devoted members of the church. The priest says, "Charlie, I cannot believe that you, of all people, could possibly have committed a sin." Charlie says, "Well, father, I am ashamed to admit that I did. My wife and I have been married for 42 years and for the last ten, we have been unable to have marital relations. And you cannot imagine what that is like, father. It just creates unbearable tension and causes my dear wife to believe that I do not love her, which is far, far from the truth." "I understand," says the priest. Charlie goes on: "Then, last Saturday evening, I looked at my wife and she was bending over a sack of potatoes. There was something about her at that moment...I suddenly experienced feelings I had not felt for a decade. I was suddenly filled with love and passion for my wife and I grabbed her and ripped her dress off and we made love, right there on that sack of potatoes. And that is how I have sinned, father." The priest is puzzled. "That is not a sin, my son. The two of you are married...it is not a sin to express that love for your wife..." There are tears in Charlie's voice as he gasps, "You mean it, father? You really mean it? We won't be thrown out of the church?" The priest laughs. "Of course not. Why would we throw you out of the church?" Charlie says, "Well, they threw us out of the Safeway."

One man to another, did you get a tattoo? No. If you did get one what would it be? It would be the face of a beautiful woman. And where would you put it. On my wife’s face.

Blonde walks into a doctor’s office and says: doctor what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts when I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts when I touch my head, ouch! It hurts when I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!” The Doctor replies: “Your finger is broken.”
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s horrible!” Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.” After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”
Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, “two to four years.”